the report

ok so the leadership Paradox....
hmm. i dont even really know what the word Paradox means to be honest.
and im going to let you know as formal as i want this to be, its probably not going to be anything near what a report is in my head! but in saying this i will try my best to stick to the guidelines and give you something that is somewhat of an insight into whats going on in my head!

Ok so the first chapter...
as i started reading this i wasnt to sure of some of the words he was using and it was a little difficult to get into...
but within thinking that i was captivated by the stories that were being told.
it was different, from a different angle, a different mindset...
i dont know if this guy Azor was real or not or how the writer came up with that much dialogue for the characters which are so real, but keep it still non fictional.
props to him!
i loved just reading about John and just his heart towards God, and his imidiate submission to Gods will, as hard as it would have been letting his cousin take up that possition of leadership above him.
the chapter to me just highlighted that it really isnt about position or recognition...
Johns heart was right, and thats all that mattered.

so many times i have been in situations where i have had more experience and more knowledge than people put in leadership above me! Even on my dts.
Growing up pretty much in a missionary lifestyle and being involved in ywam somehow or another all my life has taught me a lot.
I remember countless times on my outreach, so much just going wrong, and leaders just not leading out the way they should have, or the way God wanted them to... and for which they have since apologized! but it was my place, and others on my team that sensed it as well, to just honour them for the role that God has placed them in. They had been anointed for it, regardless if they had chosen to walk out in it the right way or not.

but yeah, this chapter reminded me a lot about those times! and really encouraged me.

So much i see what happened in chapter two go the opposite way! i have a few friends down south that have the satelite station God tv and i cant help but cringe half the time at how much God has become a fashion and a business to so much of the world.
The are there saying they are gloryfying God but, yet so much self glorification oozez out of them.
its a sad state that this is what it comes to.
But i have never been in a position where i have really had this happen, in a christian sense.
i was in bands all thru high school and i remember just after i graduated i joined a band with some buddies that really just kicked of such a big movement of "scene" music in North Queensland.
i constantly look back and see what it has come to now, and everyone loves the screamo stuff!!! but 2005 was with us and no one had heard anything like it...
We had looks of rage, anger, appreciation all the way to parents getting mad and telling us our music was crap. After a few months of playing together we started to really build a decent following!
i remember walking thru Stockland and kids looking at me talking quietly to their friends, kids stopping me wanting to talk about the music i played.
I rememeber even going to some peoples house once because i was doing some landscaping work at the time and their daughter came out and asked me cautiously if i was part of this band... ha. things were crazy.
but yeah! it was hard not to get the celebrity mentality. it wasnt the biggest struggle for us because it was weird to us, coming from playing dumb music in our lounge rooms to this, but it was also good to find people that really appreciated what we did.
I can understand tho what Simon went thru being frustrated with Jesus. there was so much oppertunity to just go for the riches.... but i guess thats not who he was.
and i now see so much that their is greater reward somewhere. so im not phased by it all...

Saturday comes around every week and i watch the fads come and Go.
its amazing watching just how these kids just follow and lead each other so extremely! i cant help but think "imagine if God was their leader". ha if only.
From watching this for the last year or so, i realize how much these kids are transformed by acceptance. i see the most beautiful little girls Go from something so sweet into something that just... saddens my heart to think of what happened.
and to watch these young amazing dudes screw themselves over time and time and time again... it makes me mad cause i know what they are going thu.
in high school i wasnt the coolest kid around. I loved music at a sports orientated school! you can see how that didnt fly all that well!
but i found acceptance out of that.... finding guys with the same passions as me really just put me in a place where "i belonged".
id grown up with teaching and force feeding stuff about not having to worry cause God loves us the way we are.... but it was crap to me. I mean i still believed it, but i needed more than that.
back then was the time tight pants and hardcore music hit the fans.
although i knew my friends would love me whoever i was, i couldnt help but conform to what they were doing. just because i loved those guys....
reading about Zacchaeus and just his sudden huge change that came as soon as he was accepted and recognized stirred my heart.
what the heck.... desire came so much for me back then to conform and be like the guys that accepted me... now all i want is to be like God.
Its funny how our mindset changes and wants and desires change so rapidly.
but this one is a solid for me.... if i can do anything to be anywhere near what jesus was, i dont care. im in.

ugghh i have so much to write and my fingers are killing me, yet im so passionate about everything that im typing.
i think im going to skip a few chapters just out of that reason.
its not that i didnt get anything out of it tho.
i just dont want to write a novel out of a book report. But maybe on the upside i could and get it published and then you could give it to the next internship to read!
pffft.
stupid dave.

Ok so chapter four.. Favoritism. hmmm
why are we as people so caught up in status and possition. I guess its something that we can never get away from, so to live with it not affecting our lives in some way or another is near impossible.
Short story.
I remember meeting Loren Cunningham once... the build up to that day was amazing. this guy i had heard about so much my whole life i had finally got a chance to meet.
thats it......... well i met him. And he was a nice guy. ha.
but i think he would have been disappointed to know how much i had just built him up in my head. i know thats not his heart at all, to be a celebrity and a favorite.

on another note. i remember going to so many different churches over the years and leaving just almost sickened at how they just revel and bask in their "status".

Lord let me never be like that. Amen.

Ok big chapter here.
its half way... i hope your enjoying reading this.. im sorry its not a report as such.
i hope im not driving you crazy.

wow this book has made me reflect so much on my life. sheeeesh.
ok so this chapter is about Mary washing and blessing Jesus at Simon's house right.
i remember so many times i have been on outreaches where the leaders have that
"lets wash each others feet nights" i know you know what im talking about.
Me... im not a feet kind of guy.
i mean i dont hate them but they arent my favorite things in the world.
so whenever this happens which at a growing amount seems to happen once or twice a year now, i just uggggh grin and bear it.
i mean its hard. having to humble yourself and wash someones feet right!!
what about having to humble yourself to have your feet washed?

how hard would it have been for jesus to just not pull her up and hug her or just honour her for what she had done.
but he didnt.... he let her do what she needed to do. to honour him.
and i dont think it was a "look at me, im Jesus... people wash my feet" kind of thing.
but man... it would have been tough.
to recieve favor and blessing and just things is hard.
in 2005 i moved to Vanuatu... it was so hard to live a life where everyone honoured you. bought you food with the last of the money they had. slaved in the kitchen all day because they knew you were coming for dinner.
but man in Got me so adjusted to it its not funny.... and its so good, because now i see the power in what it is.... and i try so hard to keep pushing myself towards being even close to that.

Man Judas was an idiot.... me too.
i cant count the amount of times i have met people and just ugggh it makes me sick to think i have been like this but, just like seen what i can get off them.
i think we have all been there tho.
it starts at the cafeteria at school "oi, just get me a pie" or something.. but it builds
i want to be that guy that gives what he has tho.
not the one that has what he is given!

i dont know how to express how much i have been challenged in this book! im sorry if it isnt working.

ok im at chapter 7 now!
this was similar to the chapter on how mary washed Jesus' feet i think.
well they go hand in hand for a lot of it.
our actions show who we are. and our humility shows who we really are..
that was a quote somewhere in one of these chapters that really challenged and stood out to me!
...

ok... probably one of the coolest revelations ive had in a bit.
humility is in regards to our submission to God.
meekness is directly man to man.
Oh how god could wipe us clean off the earth. Sometimes that scares me.. cause i know im not perfect and i would be going with the rest of the world in that "unworthy" catagory.. or from what i can judge.
But Gods Grace is Huge. i love how he says meekness is a fruit of Gods grace!
i want it.

nine.
everyday we have to trust..
trust we will wake up. we will be able to walk, talk, breath.... it goes on forever.
But bigger yet... that im in the will of God, im walking out in what he wants.
so much i use my head to try and somehow control situations that our out of my control with my own thinking. it doesnt work.
even as of last week.

im going to insert something i wrote up a few weeks ago that is relevent to this in my life.. and just stuff ive been going thru.


ha.. we desire so much as young people.
seriously.. think about it for a second! i can count at least five things right now at this point that i truly desire.
To be honest, there a probably only 5 that have been a constant. The rest just come and go.

Im not going to get all preachy and religious....because that isn't my heart.

what does it mean to really desire something... i mean i desire a sweet new acoustic guitar and have done for the last little bit.... i desire to be a kid and go jump on a trampoline again!.... on the other hand, i desire a wife.... i desire love... i desire to live bigger, run, harder, Grow closer to God.
the lines are getting blurry.

at what point do i let go.... and just be, just trust, just wait.

the bible mentions a few times that as we grow closer to gods heart the desires of our heart also become his. and the other way round... when we do his desires become ours..

i woke up this morning super early for this reason.
I had decided to spend some time waiting on God about this!
and as much as i tried to fight getting up... i knew i needed to, to get some better insight on all this.

I desire so much!, but yet he desires so much more.......of me!!
To trust God is a big thing to do... to give up thoughts, feelings, desires.... and lay them down completely and trust that REGARDLESS of outcomes.....he is still holding my hand.
We put our selves out on the line when we do this.... its scary, its hard, we want the world to re-assure us, to comfort us!
but how much more is there for us when God has our heart, our feelings....to mold and grow.

the bible talks a lot about the potter and us being clay.
if we are moldable in his hands... how much better will the outcome be in the end!
Something beautiful.

his timing is perfect
and his plans for us are to prosper
and not to harm.

just some stuff im chewing on at the moment!
as i try to learn to trust.

mmhmm.

Chapter 10.
ok this isnt really a chapter i realised.
but it has a lot of cool stuff in it about servant leadership... thats what its about right.
the first part of that. Servant.
i look back on old movies at what a servant was... and man, its everything this book covers. humble, meek, obedient......so on.
trying to somehow transpose this into an area where the world says we should "as leaders" be the opposite to this, is really difficult, and i think something we will always struggle with.

But Gods grace is everlasting, so i guarantee im going to keep relying on it as i try to live out my life like this

journal

ok so i know i havnt done journals in a few weeks right!!!
im sure you have as well... crap. im so bad at this.
well not this, but writing stuff physically and handing it in..
So in a bid to solve all these problems i decided to make a blog journal.

i dont know... ive found once i start typing i can express myself a whole lot quicker and a whole lot more than i would or could if i was to just write it out.
Also sometimes i feel one little page in those so ever valued colorful little books doesnt even come close to what is going on in my life... and what God is doing in my life.

So....
well the last couple of weeks have been a road trip thats for sure.
ive been worked by God like no other... A few weeks back i came to a place where i was like "screw this" im done just living out life like this, im done serving just because im here, im done just living pretty much the same as i would if i had a career. I want to make the most of everything God has brought me into, so i told him that.
not long after it started coming.... fresh revelations on so much stuff in my life, a crap load of convictions i had to sort out, some huge issues with just getting over myself.
it was a suckie couple of days while this lasted.
Ive started getting up early in the mornings to go walking and just to chill out with God. its really good and for the most part i have had no troubles actually getting out of bed... i found myself even just this morning waking up and God was just on my mind... i cant remember why or what i was thinking, but i just remember just thinking about him.

anyway ive come to a point where i just want to be so saturated in him that people cant help notice! that people cant help but talk with me about him, that i cant help talk about him in every conversation.

so thats whats been going down in my life..
its been a huge couple of weeks.
and im sorry for not being diligent enough in getting this in on time!
but times are changing. ha

sweet.